25 May 2019
I’ve finally did it. I’ve graduated from college. A day that, once I’d undertaken the journey, I knew would come but felt as if it never would arrive. Me, I didn’t go head first into a university. I took the Community College two year Associates Degree path and then the 4-year Bachelor’s Degree path. I chose that route because after so many wrong turns in my life, I’d never envisioned myself attending a University- much less obtaining a Bachelor’s Degree in anything more than Street Science from the School of Hard Knocks. Needless to say it’s been a long 7 years. But one thing I wasn’t prepared for were the feelings that come with graduating.
These are things that no one ever tells you about graduating from college. No one ever told me that a week or so after I’d completed my last assignment successfully that I’d feel empty. But I did. The first week was like just taking a break. Sort of like for the Holidays or what not. Nothing unusual. But as this seemingly holiday break stretched into what was definitely no longer a holiday break, I begin to feel something. Something akin to emptiness. Wait, that’s not a feeling is it? Sure it is. I wasn’t feeling emptiness in the same way I suppose a Zen monk would, akin to nothingness. This was emptiness. A void.
I first felt this after clocking out from work, rushing home to pick up Sofia from the Club, grabbing a bite to eat, kicking it with the wife a bit, all before getting started on an assignment or project. Because well, this is my life. There’s always an assignment that needs to be studied up for. But, there wasn’t. Nothing was there. So I thought to myself…this is odd.
The next few days this phenomenon continued and another feeling crept into the play. My feeling of emptiness turned into a feeling of being lost and abandoned. Abandoned by my books, study guides, lectures, tutorials….my Professors, Instructors, and Mentors. Lost inside of a world where none of these things exist. Absolutely nothing is familiar here. No one I associated with was speaking the language of academia. Where the hell am I and what the hell is happening to me? I’m supposed to be a student. Unbeknownst to some, all of these feelings had worked up another recipe inside of me for depression. Definitely something to put on my list to rattle off to the doc at my next session. I need the list so that I don’t forget. I’ll be prepared. It’s how I operate. I’m a student.
Then one Saturday morning I remember sleeping in pretty late. Very late compared to my usual standards. The laptop should have already been fired up and coffee fresh out of the pot by now. But it wasn’t. I remember thinking that I should really get going if I wanted to get ahead on any assignments. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. There are no projects left. I’m done!
I did go to the coffee pot to grab a fresh shot but the laptop, let me tell you. The laptop. I fired it up and went directly into my Twitter feed. This felt nice. I didn’t just check my timeline and sign out. No. I was actually hanging around. Laughing. Responding. Engaging without a feeling of guilt that I should be doing something else. I begin to come from work and take my time grabbing Sofi, eating, and kicking it with my wife. I could watch T.V., something that, with the exception of binge watching Mr. Robot, I hadn’t done in 7 years. I could catch up on playing all of these Call of Duty games that I have stacked up over the years. Imagine that? An X-Box One that’s hardly ever been used. I could even get some coding in without feeling that I should be working on securing devices or the perimeter. Wow.
This newfound feeling was amazing. I felt a feeling of deep breathing. As if my breathing had been incarcerated by academia before but all of a sudden released. I felt as if I could finally relax. This felt like total freedom. And all of these feelings were being topped off with a sense of accomplishment.
Now don’t read into this that school was horrible. No, I love school, education, and learning. This was an experience that I do not regret in the least. In fact, all of the above is accompanied with a feeling of longing to go back in for some more. For another stint, or term, depending on who you’re talking to that’s describing it. But for now…. I think I just want to enjoy the feelings that come with graduating.
That’s real. Hack on, Ladies and Gentz.
What are some of the feelings that you’ve felt upon graduating from college? I’d love to discuss them. You’re not alone here. Reply in the comments or hit me up on Twitter. Thanks for stopping by!
